you take your heart and walk away
by betweentheraindrops
Summary: Marissa-centric, RM. Post 3x16, alternate continuation of season three. She rolls her eyes at herself, crying again over the same boy.


A/N: This is something I've been working on forever it seems. It's sat on my computer for a long, long time and I finally took the time to finish it. Takes place post 3x16 (breakup) and continues on through the rest of the third season, or the main characters' senior year. There are elements from the rest of season three, but I wanted to go in my own direction. A large part of this is Seth/Marissa friendship mostly due to wish fulfillment; warning for drug content but nothing more than weed.

Title comes from "The Mess I Made" by Parachute. Please review, this thing is crazy long and feedback would be really helpful.

 **.. .. ..**

He's been through this before. He knows he's not allowed to think about her. He knows that when it's over, _it's over_ , and any remaining thoughts he has of her are supposed to dissipate in order for him to move on. But this time is different. He doesn't know how, but the way they ended things only a week ago felt final, permanent in a way that nothing really has before. He thinks that hurts more than letting her out of his life this time. Before, they always tried to remain friends. They hid under the guise of pretend friendship. They pretended they could be normal and act as if nothing had changed and he doesn't want that; he doesn't want to pretend that what just ended wasn't a big deal. Because it was.

He would never tell her or anyone else that, though.

Ryan paces the poolhouse, clutching his phone in his hand, clearly too deep in thought to care that he looks like an idiot.

He is an idiot, he thinks, to even be thinking about her. They broke up and it was mutual. At least, that's what it felt like. If anything, it was more him than it was her.

He remembers hearing her tears mixed in with the waves of the ocean before she hung up her phone. She was sitting on their favorite lifeguard stand, the same place he told her he loved her only a few weeks prior. She cried happy tears then and kissed him until the sun rose, whispering it back in his ear, his arm coming to rest on her shoulders like it belonged there.

He flips his phone open, tries to forget the memories, sits down at the edge of his bed, and bites his lip. He can't do it.

He does. Really, he just needs to hear her voicemail. He dials her number by heart, temporarily forgetting that he could've just used speed dial. He sighs. Dial tone. Ryan listens to her voicemail and if he tries hard enough, he can hear Grand Theft Auto in the background; she'd made it on a whim one day when they were in the poolhouse with Summer and Seth. He closes his phone when he thinks of what he's just done, kind of glad no one like Seth walked in then. He's already gotten enough grief from his family for breaking up with her in the first place.

Ryan leans back on his bed, kicks his off his black boots, and looks up at the ceiling for no reason in particular.

But then his phone rings beside him and her name flashes across the screen, those seven letters screaming at him to press the green button. "Hello?"

She sounds uneasy, "Hi."

"Hi," Ryan breathes. He hates how rigid they sound when only a few weeks ago, they would call each other and be normal, comfortable telling each other almost everything. The thought alone makes him form a bitter smile.

Marissa bites her lip, holding the phone close to her ear. "You called _me_."

"Yeah, I know. I just- I don't know why I did." He doesn't let himself think that she must have ignored his call before tentatively returning it.

She breathes. "Oh," sighing, "Okay then."

Ryan hears her and the waves, listening to her quick breaths. She's back at the lifeguard stand, he can tell. He moves his phone to his other hand and decides to go for honesty. "I guess I just wanted to hear you, even if you didn't pick up. Weird, I know. Sorry."

Marissa draws a breath and he knows she's crying because she's not saying anything and she pants a little. He hates that he knows that sound so well. She uses the sleeve of her Harbor hoodie to wipe at her eyes, all puffy and red and all too familiar nowadays.

"Look, I shouldn't have called-"

"No- well yes, but Ryan, I just... do you even know how hard it is to talk to you? This, right now, is hard. I can't- I can't be thinking of you or talking to you or talking about not talking because then everything will be- it'll just be worse. You can't do this."

Ryan stays quiet, listening to her. She hasn't been this blunt with him in a while, and he hates and loves it at the same time. He briefly wonders if she looks the same. It's only been a week, but avoiding each other by walking down different hallways at school made his image of her slightly falter. He wonders if she's wearing that hoodie, the old Harbor one she always loved.

"Look, you and me, it's always been hard," she whispers so low he barely hears her. "I thought it was going to-" Marissa gathers her thoughts and halts them as much as she can, wiping her cheeks nearly dry. "Jesus, I sound like Seth."

He chuckles, remembering her saying similar things before and catching herself, not willing to say it all. She laughs despite herself, clearing her throat and wiping at her eyes again. He purses his lips, silently telling her to go on. He doesn't think he'll ever be able to say as much as she does.

Marissa bites the inside of her cheek, saying, "I called you," his eyebrows crease in confusion and she can tell from his silence that he doesn't know what she's talking about. "That day."

Oh. He gets it. She means the day they broke up.

He already knows about the call, but it seems important to reiterate. She breathes, finds that it's easier to talk to him over the phone. Like the night they ended it. If they had been face to face, she would've given away how much it hurt, would've betrayed the amicable way she tried to sound on the phone, the steely resolve to set him free if that's what he wanted.

Ryan remembers thinking about it as something he had to get done, something to be taken care of. She deserved more than that – he gets that now. The thing is if she had cried in front of him, it would've taken all his strength not to try and make her tears go away.

"But the thing is, I was calling you because I missed you and, I don't know, thought we owed it to ourselves. I wanted to make it work." She sounds resentful and he can't really say he blames her for that at this point. Ryan knows that's kind of why he called her only a few minutes ago. He missed her. Even during the Johnny debacle, he was still the person she called at the end of the night, the last goodnight before bed.

"And you didn't," she finishes after a prolonged silence, a moment longer than he expected. She sounds certain, like she's trying to prove a point.

Ryan's eyes open and he sits up on his bed, clutching the phone tight against his ear. "That's not true."

She nods to him even though he can't see her. "Don't lie to me. It is." She takes a breath. "It was over for you way before last week."

He shakes his head in anger even though she can't see him. He doesn't even begin to think why she believes that to be true. He doesn't want her to think it is because it's not. "Don't put words in my mouth," he bites out. "You know I- you know that's not true. It was you-"

"Oh yeah? Is that why you left me to play strip poker with some girl you just met?"

Ryan's eyes widen. "What? How did you- how do you even know about that?"

She shrugs, says simply, "We have the same best friends."

He wants to say that what she had with Johnny was worse than what he did with Sadie, but he knows those wounds are still open. For both of them, really. And he knows she's still grieving – the most ironic part about it is that he used to be the one to get her through times like this. So much has happened (she's right, it's always been hard) and really, the worst thing Marissa did was befriend Johnny. Ryan thinks she never thought of Johnny as more than a friend, but she said the same thing about Oliver and well... they both should've confronted that early on.

Marissa breathes again and it sounds like she's giving up. "Is there anything else you wanted?"

"No. Just-" he pauses. "Hearing you kind of clears things up for me, I guess," Ryan sheepishly offers.

She painfully closes her eyes and she can't handle hearing that. "Don't," she warns him.

He's confused. "Don't what?"

"Don't fucking call me when you were the one to break us up! And don't you dare tell me that you just need to hear my voice, because if you really wanted to hear my voice- just don't, okay?" Her voice quivers in a heartbreakingly honest way and she realizes she needs to stop talking to him right now or she'll break.

Ryan stays quiet and she really shouldn't make him feel the things that he does. But she's different. He's always known that she was different. Even when they were both pulling away, there was always something stronger holding them together.

Marissa feels hot tears run down her face again and her phone almost falls out of her hand. She rolls her eyes at herself, crying again over the same boy.

He remains silent, listening to her cry, helpless at comforting her. He feels like such a masochist; he called to hear her voice and in turn elicited tears. Maybe he always wants so much. Maybe. He definitely does. Ryan briefly looks over at the picture frame on his bedside table, the one from the beach, the one he can't bring himself to move. "I guess I can't imagine you not being in my life."

He's had to say goodbye to so many people he's loved. He doesn't think he'll ever really be able to say it to her.

She doesn't say anything for half a minute. As she's getting her thoughts together, she remembers the boy who broke up their year long relationship a week ago over the phone. Even so, there's still a large part of her that loves him for finally saying these things to her. "I guess..." he can hear her sucking in a breath. "That's too bad."

And then she hangs up.

.. .. ..

She decides that just because Ryan's out of her life, it doesn't mean she has to lose herself. Her world doesn't revolve around him, despite how much she thought that in the past. They tried to make it work and it didn't. It never did. Marissa thinks that giving up was the best option.

So she spends an entire Saturday in the trailer, erasing memories and throwing away old diner napkins from her jacket that they wrote their Berkeley plans on. She gathers a box from her messy, overcrowded closet and tosses wifebeaters and a leather jacket into it, along with movie stubs and a copy of Journey's _Escape_ that he'd given her, crying into her pillow for ten straight minutes before putting _The Notebook_ on and blaming her tears on that.

.

She can never bring herself to give him the box so it sits in the trunk of her car for three months.

She sneaks a peek at what's inside only when she misses him.

For a while, it's nearly once a day.

.. .. ..

She doesn't go to his birthday party.

She'd planned on it but got scared, holding the mix cd she'd made him loosely in her hands.

Instead, Marissa watches him on the pier, and wonders how they even got to where they are. Distant, cold. The kind of people who break up over the phone.

She contemplates throwing the box from her car away, going to the pier her dad used to keep his boat in and dropping it into the sea. It'd be quite poetic, she thinks, literally casting away the memories.

She doesn't in the end. Instead, she returns to the lifeguard stand and waits for the tide to draw near.

.. .. ..

Seth takes the seat next to her in physics on a Tuesday. He doesn't say anything at first and she's too surprised that he's there and curious as to why that she doesn't either.

She crosses her legs underneath the lab desk and narrows her eyes.

"How are you?" he asks casually. It's not said carefully, like she's about to break and he could set it off. He's curious.

Marissa purses her lips for a second. "Fucking fantastic."

He chuckles and waits for their teacher to turn around. She notes that Seth has an odd demeanor about him and she wonders if he's only doing this because Ryan put him up to it. Maybe Ryan's a coward who's too afraid to ask her himself. Maybe he's not a coward and is trying to give her space while still checking up on her.

Seth opens his mouth to say something else, but then decides against it. They don't speak for the rest of the period.

.

"Why did you do that?"

"What?"

"Sit next to me," she says as they walk out of class, rolling her eyes because it's obvious that something's going on. "You never do that."

"I used to do that."

"Yeah, like last year. And when I first got back into Harbor. But... there's a reason you're doing it now. Why?"

Seth's actually got a friend in the class so it doesn't make sense. He purses his lips, turning toward the direction of his locker. "I'm worried about you."

That makes her stop walking, fully turning to him. "I'm fine." It's the first time someone's asked her that in a while and it finally dawns on her; she's been spending an awful lot of time by herself.

"You just don't seem like it." He says it carefully, and it annoys her. What, just because Ryan dumped her she's going to lose herself?

"Thanks Doctor Freud, I think I can judge my own mental state pretty well."

Seth lightly puts his hand on her arm and they move to the library. They both have study hall next and it's something everyone is always late to anyway. "You haven't been at the house in forever."

"First, it's been like two weeks. Second, it's because, well, I can't."

"But you're my friend too." He says it with a shrug, like it's common knowledge. Even though their group of four would be together, it was never just the two of them. Not since the brief Zach and Lindsay days.

Marissa's expression softens. "We still hang out."

"You, me, and Summer in the hot tub, while fulfilling one of my childhood fantasies, was weeks ago. You've been so far from... well, us. She misses you too."

"She's like my sister, what are you talking about?"

Seth gives her a pointed look.

"Look, she hasn't reached out to me. And also," she stops. Her expression changes and turns hard. "Whatever, you guys are the ones that have been hanging out with the two of them. She's totally taken his side."

It isn't something she likes thinking about, Sadie.

"I didn't know there were sides."

Marissa narrows her eyes. "There are always sides."

Seth purses his lips and then shrugs. Ryan's his brother so he'll always be on his side but Marissa has looked so sad lately, at least in the rare times he's seen her. He thinks that he needs his friend back, the girl who likes punk music and Kerouac.

He nods toward the exit doors and asks, "Wanna talk?"

.

"Kaitlin said you wanted to be with him, that you were jealous he was seeing her."

She rolls her eyes. "God, she would say it like that. I did not."

"Ryan thinks you did."

Marissa sits back and sips her iced tea. They're eating on the pier and their legs are dangling over the water. For some reason, talking about Johnny with Seth feels like something she should've done a long time ago. With a shrug, she says, "I told him I didn't." So. Many. Times.

"Maybe that wasn't enough."

"He was supposed to trust me."

What does Ryan think, that she'd been playing him the fool the whole time? If there's anything she's ever been sure of, it's that she loved him. She always has. At times, that was the only thing she could see as sure. Yeah, she was confused, and yeah, she felt guilty that maybe Johnny's fall was her fault but her feelings for Ryan were the only thing she could count on. Even when they weren't communicating, which was so much more often than she likes to remember.

Seth just takes a bite of his lobster roll, thinking it over. She stares at him. She doesn't want to push him away or think this is a test, but honestly, why does he care so much?

Marissa continues but stares down at the blue polish on her toenails as she does so. "I was jealous, yes, but not because I wanted to be with him. I mean, hello, boyfriend I loved?" Seth smiles a little. "And Ryan spent less time with me. No matter what he did or what he wanted, Johnny was just my friend, and it's clearer now, you know? He lov- he was in love with me or whatever," she says with a wave of her hand, like the idea of anyone being in love with her is absurd. "I meant more to him than he meant to me apparently and-" she stops.

He sticks a seasoned fry in his mouth, waiting for her to continue. When she doesn't and silence comes over them, Seth takes a look at her and sees that she's frowning. There is defeat and sadness all over her face. "What?"

"And he talked to me when Ryan didn't. I needed that and Ryan didn't get it. So I stopped trying."

.. .. ..

She tells him not to tell Ryan anything she told him and he promises.

But she knows Seth. He's a liar.

Besides, Ryan should know anyway.

.. .. ..

"I can't, sorry," she says flippantly, closing her locker.

Seth shakes his head. "Yes you can, I know you can."

Marissa rolls her eyes. "I am not going to a Cohen family dinner to watch Ryan share spaghetti with Sadie or something. No."

"First, what?" Seth makes a face of disgust and amusement. "And second, that's not going to happen. He won't even be there."

She looks at him for a second and looks into his eyes. She deduces, "They have a date tonight." The idea makes Marissa's chest hurt, and she can't help but hate how fast he's gotten over her.

Seth scoffs and his voice raises an octave and Marissa automatically knows whatever will come out of his mouth will be a lie. "Pff, I don't know. It's not like we tell each other that kind of stuff."

Marissa opens her mouth to tell him off, mind going to the box in her car, but then Seth starts walking away from her, saying over his shoulder, "See you at seven."

.. .. ..

"Sum, I shouldn't be here," Marissa groans from the driver's seat of her convertible.

Summer grabs her hand. "You belong here just as much as Atwood does."

Marissa laughs and gives her best friend a pointed look. She's met with a _whatever_ and pulls the key from the ignition.

"Is that my top?" the brunette asks as they walk up the familiar path to the Cohens' front door.

"Yeah." Marissa reaches the door and rings the doorbell.

"Hmm."

They stand there for a moment waiting as they hear Sandy from deep in the house shouting that he'll be right there.

Marissa can feel Summer's eyes on her so she lets out a long "What?"

The brunette gives her a knowing smile. "You said he wouldn't be here tonight."

"He won't."

"Then why are you wearing that uncomfortable shirt?"

"It's not uncomfortable."

"Coop, it's mine. I know it's tight."

"Whatever."

.

Sandy and Kirsten each give her enormous bear hugs when they walk in and Marissa feels like crying, which isn't exactly out of the ordinary as of late. They tell her they've missed her and she gets really quiet when she tells them she's missed them too and turns away after she's said it because she might cry and she's tired of crying. It still feels awkward being there, feeling like the awkward ex-girlfriend that's been cast aside for someone better. God, do they like Sadie more than her?

Seth puts his arm around her shoulder when he comes down the stairs and she rolls her eyes at his jeans.

"Nice," she says. Really, she's just jealous. She wanted to wear pants but figured she shouldn't.

He makes a face and shrugs. "We're all family here."

Marissa cringes a little. "Ah." She doesn't feel like family anymore. He gives her shoulder a squeeze and gives her a pointed look. _Yes you are_. She lets out a small smile.

.

The girls decide to stay for an hour or two after dinner to sober up and prevent the Rosé from causing any damage. Marissa complains about staying because the wine barely affected her and she figures Ryan will be home soon. He'll see her car in the driveway and know they're still there and Marissa doesn't need to see him try to sneak Sadie into the poolhouse because then she may actually throw up and blame it on the alcohol. But then Seth will probably tell him she only had three glasses and Ryan will give her judgmental eyes and it's all a mess she wants to avoid. She also just doesn't want to see him period, but she thinks it's probably a lie.

Summer claps her hands in front of Marissa's face, "Coop, snap out of it!"

The blonde bristles and rolls her eyes. She's got an issue of _The Amazing Spider-Man_ in her lap and Seth's tsk-ing at her.

"Can you get us some snacks?" Summer asks sweetly.

"Sum, we just ate."

"Okay, then something to drink."

"Sum-"

Seth interrupts and clarifies, "Marissa, could you please leave the room for a few minutes so we can make out?"

She scoffs as she gets up. "Since when have you two not done that when other people are in the room?"

He just shrugs and then Summer reaches forward to kiss him and Marissa leaves before she can be the third wheel for the entire evening.

She turns the doorknob counterclockwise in a rush and decides she'll go outside to have a smoke. Maybe take a walk around her old neighborhood and gaze at her old house, the only one that's ever felt like home.

She's so lost in thought that when she briskly walks into the hall outside Seth's room, she runs straight into Ryan. Her hands go out to steady herself and, okay, maybe the wine affected her a little bit. His hands instinctively reach to steady her and she looks up at him ever so briefly before she lets out a _sorry_.

Ryan says _no it was my fault_ but takes a second to take her in. She looks tired, but she's still Marissa, still heartbreakingly beautiful, still captivating and forlorn as ever.

"What?" she asks.

He narrows his eyes for a second before he realizes what she meant. He was staring at her. "Nothing."

"Okay."

.. .. ..

Seth passes her his joint and she takes it with a sly smile, putting it between her lips, inhaling and exhaling after a few seconds. It's been about a year since she smoked pot and she's not even coughing after taking long drags.

"That's hot," he says in a haze.

Marissa laughs lazily, would usually reply with a witty retort but this particular strain is a fucking vice to her system so she only wearily says _thanks_ , passing it back to him.

.. .. ..

Summer convinces her to go to a party that some junior from Harbor is throwing near Newport Union. Marissa immediately says no.

"Ugh, why?"

"First, he's a junior," she says with fake disgust which makes her best friend laugh. "And second, what if I see people I know from Union there?" They already hated her when she had come from a private school and carried at least four different Chanel bags throughout the semester; she can't imagine how much they must hate her now after returning to said private school.

Summer makes Marissa look her straight in the face, says with emphasis, "Fuck. Them."

And for once, Marissa just smiles and agrees.

.

Within two minutes of walking through the door, she's handed a red solo cup from the older brother of the kid throwing the party. He's attractive and wearing glasses that make him look a little geeky so she thinks he's harmless, indulging him and graciously taking the cup. He tries to impress her with name-dropping UCLA every three minutes and he tries not to grimace when she says she's waiting to hear from Berkeley. She forgets his name within ten minutes and slips away as she fibs about talking to him later.

When she walks away, her eyes meet Ryan's. She briefly wonders why Sadie isn't with him. He's standing in the corner and Marissa makes a point of taking a big gulp of beer after she raises her cup to him. She knows him well enough to know he's trying to maintain his composure as he purses his lips and his eyes darken. She finds an odd satisfaction in his anger even though she knows she'll regret it later.

She goes to make sure Seth's staying sober to drive home later and Summer's helping a tipsy Taylor to the couch to rest. Marissa sees Seth talking Ryan's ear off and god, she's glad she came.

The UCLA guy finds her as she's waiting in line for the keg and she fights the urge to roll her eyes. He clearly wants to get in her pants and she thinks he's disgusting but Ryan's watching her again so she giggles at UCLA, who she determines is wearing glasses solely to look cool or something, and places her hand on his shoulder when he feeds her some lie she forgets in two seconds. Ryan is clenching a bottle of water in his hand and she tries to be subtle when she glances over at him.

Taylor shouts to the party that they should play 'I Never' and everyone else is drunk enough to agree. Marissa shrugs and squeezes between Summer and Seth. Ryan joins in with a yawn on the other side of the room.

The social chair explains the rules to the crowd and Marissa frowns because she's not drunk enough yet. She lets out a sigh and looks everywhere but at Ryan. When she does sneak a look, she frowns a little because he's no longer staring at her.

Taylor steps into the middle of their misshapen circle and smiles loudly when she says, "I never had sex in a car."

Everyone bursts out laughing.

Summer takes a step to the center of the room and so does Seth.

When Marissa doesn't, Summer's eyes grow huge and she says a little too loudly, "Coop!"

Marissa's eyes reluctantly go to hers and she smirks a little, her cheeks flushed. Finally her eyes land on Ryan, who's still in his same spot, and Seth is the one shouting across the room, "Dude, you never told me!"

People in their grade snicker and Marissa bites her lip, ignoring the blush coloring her cheeks.

Each person from the center says something they've never done and it gets a little boring before some shy sophomore says she's never told someone she loved them and the room goes quiet. Then there are questions of if family count and others about if it counts if they were drunk at the time. People start moving to the center of the circle and Marissa's feet stay glued to her spot. She's looking down at her sandals and realizes she needs a breath of fresh air. She turns on her heels and Summer calls out to her but Marissa just walks outside with a _don't worry, i'm fine_.

The humid Newport air hits her lungs and she closes her eyes.

That's when she hears footsteps behind her.

Marissa turns around and Ryan's mouth is open, ready to say something, but he shuts it when he looks completely at her. She won't let him talk to her back, that's not how she wants it.

She waits for him to say something but he doesn't and she smiles sadly, because _of course_. He doesn't talk. She says, "I felt like stepping in the middle of the circle."

His brows crease in confusion and he waits for her to clarify.

"It's like I've never said it before."

That's all she says. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense but somehow, to her, it does.

Ryan still doesn't get it and she walks away because it's one thing she can't explain to him. She won't.

.

He comes to realize that she meant the way they are now, frigid and separate, feels like she's never told him she loved him. They're far away.

His mind races when he thinks that maybe she feels like she's never said it before because she doesn't. Maybe she doesn't love him anymore. Maybe she never did.

When he finds her forgotten rainbow-colored hair bands on the floor of the poolhouse and when he sneaks a look at the decorated photo album she gave him for Chrismukkah, he knows he's wrong.

.. .. ..

She hangs out with Seth because, underneath all her drama with Ryan, they're actually really alike and have things in common. He makes her mix cds and she lends him some of her favorite books. She finds herself wishing they'd become close much, much sooner.

Marissa announces to the strangers on the peer with a cigarette loosely in her hand that he's her second best friend. They're stoned and getting food at the diner and didn't put much thought into it.

"That sounds so runner-up," he complains as they walk toward the diner, sniffing the sleeve of his shirt to make sure he doesn't still smell like weed.

Marissa sighs as she smokes her cigarette. She inhales as she brings the filter to her lips and the smoke gets trapped in her throat for too long that she lets out a cough. "It's not."

He grunts, tapping away the ash from his own nearly-gone filter. It's odd, watching Seth Cohen smoke a cigarette. But he wanted one, and claimed that smoking it would help his tolerance for joints.

"Then I'm yours," she says matter-of-factly.

Seth shakes his head. "Ryan's my brother so that's different."

She bites her lip as she takes another drag. Ugh, Ryan. "Well Sum is basically my sister. I've known her a lot longer than you've known him."

"But you're not legally bound."

"Bound?"

He narrows his eyes at her and they just laugh the conversation off. The three hits that they each took clearly seemed to be enough. When they reach the diner they decide to split an order of chili cheese fries and enter an argument about the pros and cons of Death Cab's latest album. It feels good, just talking to someone. Even if it is about a band she merely tolerates for Seth's benefit and they're too high to form coherent thoughts.

.. .. ..

One day Seth asks her why she's so open talking to him about everything from Oliver to Johnny and she suppresses a deep sigh.

They're at CPK by the mall scarfing down pepperoni slices and it just doesn't seem like the time to talk about it.

"I don't know," she shrugs, taking a sip of her water and dabbing her lips with a napkin.

His eyes narrow, trying to reach hers. "I mean, you and Ryan never really-"

"Ryan and I-" she interrupts, jutting out her chin. "Weren't on the same page. On anything, really." It's disjointed and doesn't completely make sense, but he nods anyway because he knows.

"It just seems like, I don't know-" he stops, letting his unsaid words linger between them.

Her legs are crossed beneath her out of habit and sometimes it hits her with a brute force how quickly Seth has become so important in her life. They were friends before but they weren't _friends_ , and she bites the inside of her cheek when she realizes that's what he was getting at earlier.

She kicks at his shin lightly under the table and it gets his attention. "You listen and, I don't know, you care. That's why it's easy."

Seth smile turns into a smirk, and she kicks him again so he doesn't say something cheesy in return.

.. .. ..

Summer coerces her into another party, and this time it's being thrown at their house. Since Marissa officially moved into the Roberts' mansion, they never had a proper party to celebrate it and what better than a party with a few dozen people she barely knows. Summer made it sound more convincing in hindsight.

She decides to stay sober, and regrets it later when Ryan shows up with Seth.

Seth gives her a poorly wrapped present and she can tell he got high before coming. She narrows her eyes at him. _Without me?_ She asks it silently and he shrugs _._

"Open it later," he says with a half-hearted wink as he motions to the box in her hand.

Marissa nods, and hopes it's the bowl he spotted online that he had told her about.

.

"You called me," Ryan slurs into her shoulder as she walks him up the Cohen driveway. Marissa sighs at the weight on her shoulder. She really shouldn't have decided to be the bigger person tonight and volunteered to drive him home since Seth decided to stay over. Ryan. Drinking. Ryan was drinking. The two together don't fit.

She indulges him, "When did I call you? Last week when I called the house and you picked up? That was for Kirsten because my mom wanted something. The time before that was for Seth."

"No, before."

Marissa stops walking and narrows her eyes a bit, turning toward him. "What?"

"You called me and you didn't say anything."

"No, I didn't."

"You're lying."

She closes her eyes and this just can't be happening. And anyway, she's done that a handful of times over the years.

"It was ten years ago," he says, his droopy eyes searching hers.

She lets out a breath, walking with him again, hoping this conversation will be forgotten by tomorrow. "We didn't know each other ten years ago, Ryan."

"I meant like two weeks ago."

"I think you're thinking of someone else."

"Liar."

"I'm not a-"

"Yes you are, you lie to me all the time," he says as he stops. They've reached the front door and she can see the darkness in his eyes. Shouldn't his new girlfriend be taking care of him?

"You lie to me too," she sighs.

They lie to each other.

.. .. ..

Two days later, Marissa spots him at his locker and she's already late to class so she can't go in a circle through the other hallway like she usually does to avoid him. She tries to slip by him but Ryan catches her from the corner of his eye and steps in front of her. "Hey."

"Hey."

"Thank you," Ryan says slowly, so earnest she wants to cry.

Marissa shrugs and waves her hand flippantly. She wants to say that he's taken care of her before and she was just repaying the favor but that references their shared history. Instead, she goes for, "It was nothing."

He's about to tell her that _no, it wasn't_ but then the bell rings and she hurriedly walks away.

.. .. ..

Over the next few days he realizes how unfair it was of him to call her that one night, wanting to listen to her and then being mad at her for what she said and what she thought. He hadn't said much but she had. That's what it all comes down to with him, and maybe them. He never says enough.

He doesn't stop Sadie when she tells him she's leaving town.

.. .. ..

Volchok invites Marissa to a party he's having at his place and she goes because she has nothing else to do that night and they bonded over Johnny once. It didn't hurt that the free alcohol was temptation enough.

The party is filled with cheap beer and even cheaper people, her mother would say. There are people snorting in one room and a threesome going on in another and she smiles sardonically when she realizes this could be a typical Newport party. She's supposedly two years wiser and she's still at a party like this. The irony deserves a drink, she believes.

She's not even half drunk when she drags Kevin to a room and asks him to fuck her. He's cocky but he's hot, there's no doubt, and he's good. Like, it's just- _fuck_.

They're done within twenty minutes and she's not even fully undressed. He pulls on his jeans and gives her a sloppy kiss before leaving the room to rejoin the party. Marissa spots their condom wrapper on the floor along with a few others and for some reason it makes her feel good. She's just a number and it doesn't have to mean anything. She doesn't feel like she's done anything wrong and that makes her feel alive.

So she slips her underwear on and leaves.

.

She tells Summer and she loves her best friend for not pretending to gag and ask her what the fuck is wrong with her. Sum thinks Volchok is hot so she just changes the sound of her voice and says, "Get it!" and it's this girl talk Marissa's missed.

It isn't Seth's business to know her sex life, so she doesn't tell him and makes sure Summer doesn't either.

She ignores the idea in her head that Seth might tell Ryan if he knew and she refuses to use jealousy in their twisted quasi-friendship they're both pretending consists of more than small talk, like the handful of times they'd broken up before.

Plus, she doesn't need his judgment.

.. .. ..

The next time she sees Ryan is when she feels the slightest bit guilty.

It's a few minutes before class starts and he's trying to quickly read the assignment for English that's due and it's the way he's hunched over the desk, the way his muscles show through his shirt. Marissa gets this little tug at her chest, like when she saw him getting out of bed. How he'd sit on the side of the bed and his muscles would just be hers to look at. How she thought they could wake up like that every morning in the future they'd naively dreamed up together.

Sleeping with someone else is strange. How she doesn't solely share it with Ryan anymore. How he's moved on too. And even faster than she did.

It starts to make her feel sick.

He turns around in his chair to ask her something and she's dumbstruck. She was absolutely staring at him.

"What part were we supposed to read? Has Raskolnikov been arrested yet?"

Marissa feels her throat close and her lips dry. "I- I don't know. I didn't read bec-"

"Because you've already read it, sorry. Right," he says it with a charming smile that eats at her heart. He would remember that.

She feels like he can smell sex on her. But he retains the smile and she fills him in on all she knows about _Crime and Punishment_ that by the time twelve-thirty comes around, the teacher has to clear her throat to get their attention.

Her guilt is there but it fades.

It just feels good, talking to him again.

.. .. ..

Seth doesn't get into Brown but he tells his parents and Summer that he did. He can be crafty on the computer when he wants to be so he doctors up a false acceptance letter and stuffs his old Brown brochures into a manila envelope with the letter, thinking it looks legitimate.

She's not there when he tells Summer but the brunette tells her all about their east coast college plans later that day and Marissa's only a little jealous. She doesn't hear back from Berkeley for at least a week.

When she walks into Seth's room that night, she says, "Congrats. Wanna get stoned?"

Seth nods from his desk where he's just finished rolling a joint. "Way ahead of you, sister."

.

Marissa changes the song playing on his computer from Death Cab to The Killers and Seth complains from the floor. "Shh, Ivy Leaguer."

He groans and she asks what's wrong. "I'm a fraud."

"I know, on your application you probably said you were never part of the party scene. That you were a straight-laced kid with his nose buried in a book. Did you tell them you didn't know what alcohol was?" She laughs, pointedly taking the withered joint from his fingertips and relighting it.

Seth leans his head against the bed, taking a sip of his bottle of Stella. He hates beer but discovered that pairing alcohol with weed is fantastic. "I probably should have."

She goes to sit next to him on the floor, accepting the bottle from his outstretched hand and tipping the liquid into her mouth.

They sit in silence as they watch an episode of _Seinfeld_. Halfway through, Seth just says, "I didn't get in."

"Didn't get in where?" Marissa laughs. Everything is funny, absolutely everything.

"Brown."

"Yes you did, Summer told me you did."

"That's what I told her."

"So you got in," she declares with a pat on his knee and they both double over in laughter.

.

Summer comes over the next morning and finds that Seth's room reeks of weed and incense. She eventually got over them smoking if it meant Marissa wasn't moping over Ryan and the two people she loved most could find a way to connect. It doesn't mean she finds it any less pathetic. She opens his windows and turns the music of his computer on to wake them up.

"Coop, you could've told me you weren't coming back last night."

Marissa groans from the center of the bed and Seth's on the floor, slightly leaning against the side of it.

"You guys are so cliché, Jesus Christ."

Seth begins to wake up. "Summer, dear, not so loud-"

"You. You should take a shower."

"I'm fine down here." His head is throbbing and he needs to eat something but nothing is more appealing at the moment than remaining in place and sleeping.

Summer leans down to his level. "I never said you had to take it alone."

This gets his attention. She walks toward his shower and the sound of her footsteps is so promising that it propels him to sit up further, the room spinning as he takes in his surroundings. He takes an ibuprofen with water and leaves the same next to his bed for Marissa to take too.

.

He's towel-drying his hair when he walks back into his room and spots Marissa typing something away on her phone.

"Hey."

She looks up. "Hey."

Seth gets a good look at her. "You don't look very hungover."

"Yeah, well," she shrugs.

He smirks. Hearing the blow dryer in the bathroom, he's reminded of what he told her the previous night, if she even remembers. "Hey, listen, about what I said-"

Marissa pulls at something under his bed and it's a folded piece of white paper. "Yeah, I found this."

It's his rejection letter.

Seth looks at her with guilty eyes. "Please don't tell her."

"Seth, I think she's going to notice when you aren't in Providence next year."

His voice turns into a whisper. "Just for the time being, okay. I… have a plan."

"Do you?"

"I do."

She throws a pair of pants at him before she shoves the letter back underneath his bed. "I won't tell her, I won't. But she needs to know."

"I know."

.. .. ..

Marissa walks out into the rainy, humid Newport air late on a Wednesday. She'd been studying at the library until dark, as late as Ms. Lerner would let her. She'd probably never admit it aloud but she stayed late to avoid going home. Her letter from Berkeley is supposed to come in the mail any day now and things are going far too well for her mother and Neil. The stability is unsettling and she's not used to it. Something has to go wrong soon.

When she walks out, she smiles at the rain. She's always enjoyed it.

As soon as she puts her umbrella up, she sees Luke by her car. She smiles at him and, for a second, she's not surprised he's there. It feels normal, Luke waiting for her. Like when yearbook ran late or when she had about a thousand activities to do after school as social chair.

But then it hits her and her face contorts in confusion. He smiles in return at her confusion and rushes over to her, grabbing her umbrella and giving her a huge hug.

"Luke! What are you doing here?" She asks it in amazement.

He shakes some droplets off his bangs and smirks. "I have family here, you know."

Marissa laughs as she touches his arm, making sure he's real. It's been two years and it isn't until now that she realizes how much she's missed him. "I know, I know, but _here_ here."

"Come on," he leads her to her car and opens the door for her. Once she's seated in the driver's seat, she gestures for him to get in on the passenger's side. She turns to him as soon as he's inside and she's aware of how big her smile is.

Luke grins. "I'm on spring break."

Her face grows in confusion. "It's April."

"I know," he says, but her eyes narrow and then he eventually admits, "Indefinitely."

Marissa smirks a little at first for getting the truth out of him but then she frowns. "Why?"

"I got in a-"

"You didn't-"

"Marissa, hey. You don't even know what it was about."

She takes a breath and bites her lip in anticipation. "Why did you get in a fight?"

"Some prick was being a douche to my friend and I had to step in."

She bites her lip. "But enough to get expelled?"

Luke just shakes his head and gives her an earnest smile. "Can we not right now? I just wanted to see you."

Marissa nods and inserts her key in the car's ignition. "Where do you want to go?"

He shrugs. Her first thought is to go home and show him the Roberts' mansion. He'd been there to pick Summer up a few times and Sum had a party there once, but he never got the official tour. But then her thoughts halt and she realizes she can't do it. Her mom might be there.

She turns to him and he looks at her in confusion for a second before he catches up to her thought process. He cautiously puts his hand atop hers on the steering wheel. "I'm still so sorry, Marissa."

She nods and bites her lip. "I really hated you for that."

Luke looks at her with resolve. "I hated myself too."

"But you don't anymore?" It's not accusatory, she's just genuinely curious.

He looks out the front window of her car. "I did for a long time. I wanted to call you when I was in Portland but I figured you wouldn't want to see or hear from me. Cohen said you were already having a shitty summer."

"Yeah, that summer sucked."

"I didn't want to keep reminding you of it."

Marissa nods her head again and she's grateful. Talking to Luke that summer would've been the cherry on top.

He continues, "Then I made some friends and met some new girls and I decided hating myself wouldn't make me feel better."

"I guess that's a good philosophy to have."

Luke turns toward her. "You have to know I would take it back if I could."

She just shakes her head, shaking the negativity from her mind. "I do."

Then he gives her his signature charming smile, one that used to make her stomach queasy and her knees weak. It doesn't anymore but instead she's reminded of all the good times she had with him. It's a pleasant feeling, something negative being turned into a positive.

"Come on, I'm guessing Portland's cheese fries don't even come close to ours."

She starts the car up and he laughs in agreement.

.

The diner is practically devoid of customers when they enter from the side door. Marissa immediately walks to her favorite booth and Luke follows behind her, taking in his surroundings. They had plenty of lunch dates in this little diner.

"So how are you and Chino?" He asks as they sit down.

Marissa's gaze moves and lowers from his face to her menu. She doesn't even need a menu but it's a welcome distraction. "We're not."

Luke chuckles a little. "Again?"

She rolls her eyes.

"I'm sorry but you guys seemed pretty good the last time I talked to him."

She decides she needs a cigarette. "When was that?"

Luke's tone lowers in amusement. Marissa's not laughing along with him like he expected her to. "I don't know, Christmas?"

"We were fine at Christmas. Well, sort of. Yeah, I mean we were fine then." She tries not to remember waking up in Ryan's bed on Christmas morning and drinking hot chocolate all day with the Cohens while watching _Over the Top_ and _It's a Wonderful Life_. Ryan had even snuck them out to the poolhouse to watch _The Sound of Music_ alone wrapped up in sheets and each other.

"Well, what happened?"

Marissa smacks her lips together, ignores the memories, and looks up at him. "Can we not?"

Luke backtracks. "Sure."

Their waitress comes over to take their order and talks to Marissa for at least two minutes about things Luke is surprised she would know or even care about. It's kind of sweet that Marissa comes to the diner so often that she knows the people working there.

After giving their order, Marissa smiles at the conversation and turns to Luke, remembering theirs. "I just mean not now, okay?"

He nods. "Of course."

.

Luke decides that he loves the trailer.

Well, maybe not the trailer but the freedom it represents.

"So you just crash here when home gets too overwhelming?" he asks, falling onto her bed.

She laughs. "Yeah, the rent is paid for the next two months so I may as well."

Marissa throws some of her dirty clothes into the hamper inside her small closet. The trailer's still a mess but at least they can walk through it now.

"What's that smell?"

"What?" Marissa asks, alarmed.

"The weed," Luke says with a chuckle.

She smiles too. "If you knew what it was, why'd you ask?"

He shrugs, leaning on her pillows and clutching her purple care bear. She lies next to him and they settle into a comfortable silence.

Marissa's phone chirps from her jean pocket and she opens it up to a text from Seth. She shows Luke and he laughs, nodding readily. "Yeah, tell him to come over."

.

Twenty minutes later, the three of them are taking hits from Seth's bong in the tiny bathroom of the trailer.

Marissa's coughing and Luke's laughing nearly uncontrollably when Seth comments, "Marissa can't do hits."

She looks at him in amusing disbelief. "I can too."

He nods exaggeratingly and hands the glass to Luke before spraying febreze in the air to mask the odor.

"I'm better at blunts," she says, ignoring a call from her mom and a text from Volchok. Kevin's sent her exactly three texts in the past week and she has no idea what it's about but figures he just wants to hook up again. She's ignored each one.

Seth nods his head at her and takes the glass back from Luke, picking up his iPod connected to the stereo playing music and trying to decide on another song. Marissa brings her legs to her chest, looking over at Luke, and she can sense that's he's feeling the same way. They could've been friends with Seth when they were younger; it could've been easy. It's unfortunate it took them eighteen years to actually get to that point.

"Dude, I'm feeling Minecraft?" Seth phrases it like a question, breaking the silence.

Marissa rolls her eyes, standing up to walk outside so she can smoke a cigarette in the rain. "What is it with boys and Minecraft?"

"It's awesome," Luke says.

"Ryan doesn't like it. At least he doesn't when I'm trying to show him how to play," Seth remarks.

Luke interjects, "Cohen, tell me what happened with them." His eyes are red and Seth passes him eye drops along with the sploof.

"Luke," Marissa starts, but Seth says he'll tell him later.

"Seth," she warns.

"What?" he asks a bit too innocently, his eyes partially glazed over. "It's not like you won't get back together."

"Hmm, likely," Marissa remarks sarcastically, giving him the bird before going outside.

.. .. ..

Summer drives her to school the next day, picking her up from the trailer.

"Apparently, the guy Luke beat up was harassing his gay friend Simon and he's just really sensitive about it and intolerant of that stuff. So he beat the guy up in the school hallway. I hate fighting so I was annoyed at first, but he wasn't even expelled. The school was just going to give him a suspension but they weren't going to do anything about the guy saying all those things."

"No way," Summer exclaims.

Marissa nods. "Yeah, and Luke was so furious that he just- he just dropped out. Didn't want to graduate from a school like that."

"Wait, seriously, our Luke? The guy who did all that stuff to you and said a lot of homophobic stuff to Cohen?"

"Yeah, hard to believe, huh?"

Summer smiles and her eyes radiate amusement as they stop at a red light. "Yeah."

"I'm proud of him," the blonde says, pulling her hair up into a messy ponytail.

.. .. ..

Marissa has lunch with Luke and his parents at the yacht club and she feels transported to four years ago. This was the norm.

"Marissa, you and your mother should join me at Cardio Barre soon. We miss you guys in class," his mom remarks with a wink.

Luke chuckles. He knows Marissa hates Cardio Barre. But she nods enthusiastically, sipping her mimosa.

It's nice seeing his parents on good terms. It's been at least two years since everything happened and his dad moved to Portland. Before everything, she spent a lot of time at their house. His mom even taught her how to make cookies.

Marissa lets out a wistful sigh and lets herself enjoy the moment. Being with the Wards always meant normalcy and they always loved her. She finds herself nostalgic for a time when Luke was her destiny. He nudges her shoulder with his own and she can tell he was thinking the same thing.

.. .. ..

"Coop, you need a date."

"Sum, I don't. I'll just go stag to prom- you know, like last year. That worked out."

"But you were miserable. And it only got better because Ryan-" she stops when Marissa sends her a look. "It was better when you had a date. Come on, this is our Senior Prom, our last one."

The blonde just shrugs her shoulders. She'll admit that dances are more fun with dates but she's not about to attend prom with someone she barely knows.

Summer gets a twinkle in her eye and glances over to the living room where Seth and Luke are playing World of Warcraft. "Hey Luke," she says as she draws closer to them, loud enough for Marissa to hear from the kitchen. "How do you feel about prom?"

Luke finishes eating a potato chip and responds, "I don't have any feelings about it to be honest. Didn't go to mine last year."

"Why?"

"Simon wasn't allowed to bring a date so we had an anti-prom back at my place," he says as he beats Seth yet again. "Fuck yeah, Cohen."

Summer smirks at her boyfriend, "Ha, Cohen sucks at this game." She moves to the living room and takes the controller from his hands. But then she remembers- "Oh right, I have an idea."

Marissa groans from the kitchen, "Sum…"

"Coop, shh. Luke, you're going to be Marissa's date for prom. We're going to go as a foursome and it'll be all time."

Luke just shrugs. "Okay," he grabs another chip. "My dad and I are staying here for a few weeks anyway so I can finish homeschooling and graduate."

Marissa walks into the living room with her arms crossed. "Okay?"

"Yeah, sounds fun."

"Trust me, it's not."

Summer pinches her side. "Yes, it is. When you have a date."

Marissa retorts, "How would you know?"

Seth gives her a look feigning hurt and she just shrugs with a chuckle, something he eventually does too. They can joke about this now.

She goes over to sit next to Luke and to grab at his soda on the coffee table. Her shoulder hits his and she mumbles _thanks_ and he hits her right back with an _of course._

After a few rounds of Luke beating Summer and then Summer beating Seth, Seth suddenly remembers. "Wait, what about Ryan?"

Luke feels Marissa tense up next to him. He doesn't say anything about it but takes note to ask again later what the hell happened between them.

It's Summer that responds. "What about him?"

"I mean, I know it's awkward and Marissa I'm sorry, but I can't not invite him in our group."

"Yes you can, Atwood's not invited," Summer says.

Seth groans. "But he's my best friend."

"And Coop is mine," she tells him with finality.

Their eyes fall on Marissa and she just looks at them with wide eyes, not even sure what they want from her. "What?" And then she realizes, forces out, "He and Sadie can join I guess, or whoever he's with now; it's fine, yeah, I guess."

The faces on the brunettes don't change much, utterly unfooled by Marissa's nonchalant answer. _I guess I guess I guess_.

Luke interrupts the silence as he tosses his controller toward Seth, saying, "Finish her off, bro."

Seth does as he's told and Summer boos him as he celebrates with a little too much enthusiasm considering the circumstance.

"Cohen, you only won because he did all the work for you." With that, Summer and Marissa fall into a fit of giggles and Seth just sits there and takes it with a slight smile and an arm around Summer's shoulders.

.. .. ..

She drops Ryan into her conversation with Seth during physics and his smirk is too big.

"You still love him," he teases, something he does from time to time that she's sure is meant to piss her off.

Marissa rolls her eyes. "I do not. I just wanted to know how he was." She clicks the pen in her hand a few times, absentmindedly looking down at her messy lines of notes. "Jesus, you and Luke should form a club."

He chuckles. "Oh, we already have. My dad's on board too."

"Oh my god," she mumbles, moving her eyes to the blackboard in the front of the room. She sees their teacher glaring at them.

They wait until Mr. Walters resumes his lecture before they speak again.

"I just wanted to know-"

"If he's still dating Sadie, I know."

Marissa glares at him, whispering, "Fuck you, no I didn't."

Seth smirks and gives her a look. She rolls her eyes.

They listen to their teacher spew facts about velocity and kinetics and Marissa's bored out of her mind, ultimately deciding against listening to his drivel and taking occasional notes. She thinks about Ryan, and wonders what he tells Seth. Wonders if he ever talks about her. Really, it's annoying Seth can't just spit it out.

As if reading her thoughts, Seth leans over until their elbows are nearly touching. "She left town. Not too long ago, apparently. He just told me yesterday."

She nods at him, and sees that he's anticipating her reaction. Marissa just purses her lips and pretends that she's listening to the lecture. He still sees a small smile forming on her lips moments later.

.. .. ..

Ryan's smoking a cigarette on the pier one day, and Marissa doesn't stop herself from going over to him. Every feeling inside her says to not do it, but there's always been something that's drawn her to him.

"I thought you didn't smoke anymore," she comments, dropping her bag next to him on the bench he's sitting on.

He smirks, taking another drag. "I don't."

Marissa nods, decides she'll go along. "May I?"

He takes out his pack of Marlboros and gives her one, leaning forward so she can light it against his. She thinks about it for a moment and shakes her head slightly, gesturing to the lighter in his other hand. She tries not to see the shade of disappointment on his face when he gives it to her.

She lights the end of her cigarette and takes a long drag, tapping the ash away after. Her legs cross and she braves a look at him. "Sorry I've been hogging Seth," she murmurs good-naturedly.

Ryan smiles and looks at her for longer than seems appropriate considering everything. "It's okay."

She wants to mention that she's sorry about Sadie even though it would be a lie, and he doesn't need to know that she asked Seth about him. She wonders how often Ryan asks about her, if ever.

They sit in silence, and she can't help but sneak looks at him. He lights another Marlboro and she wonders if he ever thinks of the lifeguard stand. Of the movie dates on the pier. They'd gotten back together on this pier, shared popcorn and kisses in the dark theatre.

It isn't until he looks at her again, his baby blue eyes staring into her navy ones, that she remembers how much she misses him sometimes. Of what they had. It felt real, it did. Seth will sometimes mention him in random conversation and it makes her ache the slightest bit. She knows Seth and Luke spend time with Ryan when they're not with her and it feels weird, being close to people who are close to him too when she's so far away.

Marissa wants so badly to mumble _I miss you_. The unspoken words consume her – he's still staring at her, and she thinks he knows what she's saying.

A tear threatens to fall, so she puts out her cigarette on the railing beside them, and leaves with a quick goodbye.

.. .. ..

She gets her large Berkeley envelope on a Thursday afternoon, the sun blazing down on her freckled, tan shoulders. The envelope is big and yellow and she can't contain her smile. She knows what this means. She reads the words _we are pleased to inform you_ from the letter inside and closes her eyes in elation.

Her mind immediately goes to Ryan. His letter must be coming today too.

Marissa races up to her room with her envelope and sits down on the edge of her bed, legs folded beneath her and her phone in her hand.

She contemplates it for a moment but then dials his number from memory, subconsciously hoping he won't pick up.

"Hello?" he answers.

She licks her lips and curses herself for not really thinking this through. They don't just call each other anymore.

"Marissa?" he asks.

She winces. Caller id. "Hey."

"Hi."

"Um," she scrambles to think of something to say. She now realizes there's a possibility he hasn't gotten in and they haven't exactly been on speaking terms lately. "Right. I don't know why I-"

"Did you get your letter?" Ryan asks, and she lets out a breath.

She smiles. "Yeah, I uh- I did."

"You got in, didn't you?"

Her smile spreads, and it's really the first time she realizes what a seminal moment this is. "Yeah."

She can hear the smile in his voice, can see in her mind his soft smile, the one he seemed to reserve for her. She can imagine him hugging her, kissing her-

"Marissa?"

"Yes?" she answers, pulling herself from her thoughts. "Did you get yours?"

"Yep."

"And?" She already regrets asking. It doesn't seem like something a person should ask.

"I did," he says shyly and she knows how big of a deal this is. Marissa falls back on her bed, clutching her phone to her ear, remembering them writing their essays together and submitting their applications on a rainy day in October after school. It feels like a million years ago. "Ryan, that's so great."

"Yeah, Sandy and Kirsten are out of their minds."

She smiles hard, holding her phone close to her ear, feeling fourteen again gushing about Luke to Summer on a Thursday night. "I'm sure they're proud. Continuing the Cohen Cal legacy."

Ryan chuckles in her ear. "Exactly."

She hears Julie come up the stairs and she's so excited to tell her mom the news that she says a quick goodbye to Ryan before tossing her phone on the bed and picking the envelope off her nightstand to show her.

.. .. ..

Luke goes with her to the bonfire and he comments on the pink hoodie Summer gave her.

"I'm in theme," she answers, nodding to the keg on the bed of someone's truck in the parking lot. "Make note of that, why don't you?"

"Done," he smirks.

They walk toward the beach and she hates how her eyes scan the crowd for Ryan. Her eyes land on Seth and Summer near the fire and they walk in that direction.

"Cohen, where's the sweatshirt?" Luke asks, and Marissa's eyes meet Seth's for a moment. Summer rolls her eyes at Cohen and claims everything would've been too big for him anyway.

Ryan walks up to them shortly after and gives Luke a friendly hug.

His eyes meet hers and she smiles at his sweatshirt. He smiles in return.

Marissa watches as Seth leads Summer to edge of the water, and hopes that it doesn't go disastrously. He'd made some sort of decision about Summer that he was planning on saying at the bonfire. From the look on Seth's face, it doesn't look like a pleasant conversation. She makes sure to bring Luke with her wherever she walks, subconsciously not giving Ryan a chance to get her alone if he tries. The last time they were at a bonfire together, she was falling for him again. It's presumptuous and probably unnecessary, but it makes her feel easier.

She doesn't understand why she does it, really, but she knows that talking to him alone makes her miss what they used to be. It leads to her remembering ferris wheels and sharing candy and popcorn on movie dates.

She realizes that their call earlier was the most they'd spoken in weeks. It fills her with unease and with a sadness she hasn't felt in a while. Even though they'd broken up before, this time was different. They'd been together longer, shared more with each other.

Even so, it all ends the same, she thinks bitterly.

.

After a brief knock on the poolhouse door and rocking on the balls of her feet, she opens the door after he mutters _come in_.

"I need to stop avoiding you."

He looks up from the comic book draped across his lap, and she notes how perfectly tousled his hair is at the moment. She thinks he needs to cut it soon, and maybe do his laundry too, but immediately tries to switch her girlfriend mode off.

"Huh?" he asks.

Marissa walks further into the poolhouse and it still smells like chlorine and the vanilla candle she took from the main house and set by the sink one night in December.

"I need to stop avoiding you," she repeats, and goes to sit on the edge of his bed as he sits up. "I need to stop pretending like- I don't know, like we weren't just together for nearly a year."

Ryan nods, and she absentmindedly plays with a ring on her thumb, waiting for him to say something.

"Friends?" he asks, and she returns his shy smile.

"For real this time," she says, her hand falling into her lap as her other hand feels the sheet that they're sitting on. She remembers his phone call weeks prior, wanting to hear her voice and her being too mad (and sad, so so sad) to let him. "I'm just tired."

It doesn't really make sense, but he seems to understand what she's saying. She's tired of avoiding him, tired of pretending he wasn't once the most important part of her life. Of pretending she doesn't miss him, too.

They've never really been friends, and she even told him that once. What he said had stung, and it still does a bit. But he's looking at her with a smile she's spent nights looking into, curled up on this same bed with Seth and Summer on the floor arguing about what movie they'd be watching that night.

When Kirsten walks into the poolhouse after a light knock on the door, Marissa can't find a single part of her that doesn't want to stay for dinner when asked.

.. .. ..

Marissa flies up to Berkeley while Summer and Seth fly separately to Rhode Island.

She learns from Seth that they're on a break and she rolls her eyes for five minutes straight as he gets as many _Friends_ references out as he can.

"Explain to me how you breaking up with her was better than telling her the truth," Marissa says, rolling her bag through the airport to her gate, holding her phone up to her ear with her other hand.

Seth sighs, getting up from his seat by gate 3A as his flight begins to board. They're just missing each other. "She needs to explore college without me. Unless I can talk the dean into admitting me."

"Oh my god," she says with a small laugh that grows by the second. "You and your convoluted plans."

"Just wish me luck, it's all I need."

"Uh huh."

.

As soon as she gets to campus, its rainy atmosphere feels welcoming. There are blue and yellow banners all around welcoming prospective students and she immediately likes the lush, green grass and the tall buildings surrounding everything. It's so far from Newport aesthetically and she welcomes that.

It isn't until she spots Ryan at the student center that she remembers Newport, and remembers her life there. She approaches him first.

"Hey," she greets, and finds satisfaction in his delayed response. She catches him eyeing her up and down and she's glad she spent time deciding on the perfect outfit for today.

"Hey," he says, and introduces her to a few people he's already met. It's awkward and he stumbles on the word 'friend' when introducing her, but they get through it.

They sit through an orientation and she catches herself looking at him in her peripheral vision. She watches him check his watch every minute and a half and notices the way he nervously clutches his bottle of water without actually drinking from it.

She purses her lips, whispers, "Are you okay?"

He looks at her. "Yeah, it's just weird. Me and college? Not in a million years…"

Marissa nods in understanding and looks at his profile. "You belong here."

He gives her a look she can't quite define, but then a girl in front of them gives Marissa a glare so they stay quiet the rest of the hour. Marissa jots down a few notes about dorm buildings and dining halls, but otherwise ignores the lecture. Seth texts her a picture of the Brown campus and she admits to herself that she could see him there, wearing sweater vests and debating Kafka with pretentious third years.

She shows Ryan the picture and he smirks.

It doesn't feel as strange as she thought it would be, sitting next to Ryan for an hour in a foreign place and walking with him on a tour of campus later that day. If anything, it feels normal. It probably shouldn't come as a surprise since they had planned on going there together, but it's still a pleasant discovery. He points out buildings he'd looked up and admired in brochures and she gushes to him about the large library they walk through with their group.

It feels strangely right.

.

By the time they have to leave for Newport a day later, Marissa's already fallen in love with the place. There's something about the atmosphere and the location that sticks with her.

They wind up on the same flight and she cajoles Ryan's seat partner into switching with her and then Ryan into giving her the window seat. Marissa orders iced tea and pretzels from the flight attendants and Ryan can see the effect she has on people right then and there. Her alluring smile, the way she tucks her hair behind her ear.

She settles into her seat, pulling a magazine out of her bag. She notices him staring at her and reluctantly meets his gaze. "What?"

"I don't know. It's just- this weekend. You," his eyes meet hers, "and me. I just, I don't know."

Marissa narrows her eyes and looks at him pointedly. "That made no sense."

His eyes are closed in embarrassment and he chuckles. "I know."

She waits for him to gather his thoughts as the flight attendant hands them their drinks.

"Do you ever think about the past?"

She notices then how close in proximity they are to each other. Their legs are nearly pressed against each other's and their shoulders are touching slightly. She doesn't have a choice in getting up and leaving this conversation, especially since the guy who switched seats with her is asleep in his now.

Marissa turns to Ryan, and his dark navy eyes are staring at her. She pretends as if her heart isn't racing. "Yeah, of course."

"I'm sorry."

Her eyes narrow and she tries to appear nonchalant, having a sneaking suspicion that it's not working. "Sorry?"

"Yeah. I should've just trusted you. I should've understood." He says this as he picks at a blueberry muffin between his fingers on the tray table, his eyes averted. It's suddenly very interesting.

Marissa thinks about Johnny and the letter she wrote him, and how it was always Ryan in the back of her mind. Everything became blurry and she said things she didn't mean, but time away from thinking about Johnny gave her objectivity and finally some clarity.

They sit in silence for what seems like ages but is probably less than half a minute. In that time, she goes through every possible reaction she can to what he's just said. What he's just admitted. It's not very Ryan to say words like this, acknowledging that maybe it wasn't all her fault. She knows that what he just did was huge. Even so, it doesn't change anything.

"Thanks," she finally says, softly, stirring the lemon in her iced tea.

He looks up at her beneath hooded lids, and she watches him brave a slight glance at her lips. It's enough for her to touch his hand lightly before turning to the window and gazing out of it for the rest of the journey home.

.

Luke's waiting for her at baggage claim with a dozen roses and a makeshift sign that reads ' _Prom?'_ in bubbled letters.

She walks over to him with her carry-on in hand, and gives him a hug. With a kiss of his cheek and a loud "Yes!" there is a small amount of cheering around them.

Ryan watches as Luke takes her bag for her and shyly gives her the bouquet of flowers. They walk out of the airport with sunny smiles and Marissa's arm in Luke's and Ryan feels sixteen all over again.

.. .. ..

She's supposed to be studying for an English exam on a Monday night. There are textbooks and novels spread on the floor of her room in the Roberts' mansion, and she's chewing on the end of a pen she once stole from Ryan's locker when they were together. He'd chided her about giving it back to him when she was done but they both knew that wasn't happening.

Marissa turns up the music on her stereo and tries to focus on Dostoevsky and Joyce, but she can't.

So she goes to her car in the garage and brings her Ryan box inside, setting it on the floor gently. She doesn't look at it often anymore, and feels masochistic when she does.

There are t-shirts and photos inside, and she almost cries when she notices the model home mix she never gave him for his birthday. The mementos in the box are enough to overwhelm her, so she leans against her bed while listening to the cd, thinking back to the beginning. There was a model home and a dingy motel in Mexico. A ferris wheel and a New Year's countdown.

It isn't until Summer knocks on her door that she comes back to the present.

"Coop," Summer says briskly as she walks in. "I thought you were studying."

"I was- I am."

The brunette looks at the contents from the box as she goes to sit on the floor and Marissa thinks Summer might be holding back tears of her own. There are pictures of all four of them in there, along with movie stubs and receipts from the diner.

"Those fucking guys," Summer breathes.

Marissa nods and gives Summer a consoling look.

"I threw mine out," Summer declares, and Marissa looks at her in confusion.

"My box," she says with a determined look on her face even though Marissa's one of the few people who can see through it.

Marissa hopes it's not true, and suspects that it isn't. "You did?"

Summer purses her lips and brings her legs up to her chest. " _Those fucking guys_ ," she repeats, each word filled with empty venom.

"Yeah."

.. .. ..

"You guys spent the night in a mall?" Luke asks, a confused if not amused expression on his face.

Summer nods as if it was nothing, stealing a few fries from his plate. "Yeah."

He turns to Marissa and she smiles with a nod, remembering floor hockey and tents. She slurps the rest of her milkshake and watches Seth pace outside the diner, clearly in thought as to what he should do. She gets up from the table under the guise of going to the bathroom and meets him outside.

"What are you doing here?" Marissa asks, letting the door shut behind her.

"I just need to talk to her. She's not taking my calls."

She narrows her eyes. "For good reason."

"Marissa, _come on_. You know why I-"

"Yeah, I do, and I shouldn't have to hide it from her. Just tell her. She can be understanding, you know."

Seth shakes his head. "But she won't even talk to me."

She crosses her arms and catches Luke's eye through the window. She gestures for him to come outside and pushes Seth through the door. "Do it now."

Marissa watches as the scene unfolds – Summer's crying, and Seth's putting his arm around her. She sees Summer half-heartedly slap his chest, but then she watches them hold each other, and it makes a solitary tear roll down her cheek.

She wants that. Something simple. A stupid mistake being fixed with an apology and an explanation. With Ryan, it was always hard, and their problems were too big for them to handle.

She feels Luke pull her away from the window, and she resolutely decides to push those thoughts away.

.. .. ..

Prom is anticlimactic, but Marissa enjoys it nevertheless because of the people around her.

The Cohens have everyone over for pictures, and she makes sure she never sees her mother talking to Luke. She's over it, she is, but it still makes her feel queasy.

Seth whispers in her ear as they're taking pictures that he's sneaking a joint into the dance and her loud chuckle makes the adults look her way and the picture they're posing for gets ruined. But it's one she knows she'll have framed one day.

Taylor is Ryan's date, and Marissa can't help but smile at the way Taylor talks his ear off.

Summer gets tipsy on champagne in the limo and Marissa makes sure Seth is keeping an eye on her. Drunk Summer is fun but she can get crazy – prom really isn't the ideal time for that side of her to come out. Marissa makes sure to replace her champagne with water once they get to a red light.

Luke argues with Taylor about something from childhood that no one but the two of them seems to care much about, so it leaves Marissa essentially alone with Ryan. He's sitting across from her and looks like he'd rather be anywhere but here. Her thoughts go to prom a year ago and when her eyes meet his for a quick second, she's sure that's what he's thinking about too.

The memories, they're too much. His hands on her hips, her chin on his shoulder. With a sigh, she looks away.

.

Dancing with Luke is fun. He knows the tango and the waltz because of their childhood lessons together and doesn't roll his eyes when she wants to hit the dance floor. It's refreshing and fun, and it's exactly what she needs.

He whispers jokes in her ear and comments on his mother's desire for them to get back together.

"Are you serious?" she squeaks, her hands folded by the back of his neck.

Luke nods, and she remembers that Mrs. Ward probably never knew about the affair he had before he left for Portland. Marissa purses her lips at the thought, but then forgets about it as the song changes.

Seth passes by them to whisper that they should meet him on the fourth floor by the bathroom. Marissa turns to Luke with a sly smile on her lips, and she's grabbing his hand as they walk away from the dance floor.

Five minutes later, they're standing next to an open window in a girl's bathroom sharing the joint Seth hid in his shoe.

Blowing smoke out the window, Marissa keeps her eyes on the exit door.

"I always wanted to get high at school," Seth remarks, and off Marissa's anxious glance, says, "Oh Coop, stop being so paranoid, no one will find us here."

"Only Summer calls me Coop," she warns, watching as Luke blows smoke rings out the window. She looks down at her dress. "Ugh, my dress is gonna smell like shit, isn't it?"

"I brought spray," Seth says plainly, taking the joint from Luke.

Marissa rolls her eyes, but then the bud starts to hit her and she begins to relax.

Summer is mad by the time they get back downstairs, but she's still slightly drunk so it isn't as bad as it could have been. Luke asks her to dance and Seth readily agrees that they should. He spots a bowl of popcorn, dragging Marissa with him so they can sit.

"So," he begins. "How's prom?"

She giggles, feeling airy and weightless, grabbing some popcorn because of her sudden hunger. "Fine."

"Does it hold up?"

"Huh?"

"To last year's," he clarifies.

Marissa shrugs and says, "I guess."

Seth stays quiet, and they watch Luke twirl Summer around on the dance floor. It's a sweet sight and Marissa hopes the photographer catches it, cursing herself for not bringing her own camera.

"I was king last year," Seth says, and Marissa snorts with laughter.

"You were not."

"Uh, technically I was."

She shakes her head and smiles, letting the pointless argument dissipate.

"Where have you guys been?" says a voice coming to sit near them. It's Taylor, and Ryan isn't far behind.

"Got some air," Marissa says, which is technically true. They had the window open.

Taylor nods, looking into her compact mirror to check her makeup. They make idle chit chat about prom and graduation until Seth reluctantly asks Taylor to dance when it's clear she wants to and Ryan is too oblivious to notice. Marissa watches her friends dance, content to take it in, temporarily forgetting that Ryan's the only one sitting with her at the table.

He holds his hand out to her and at first she doesn't understand what he's doing. But then she gets it and, with a pressed smile, she takes his hand and lets him lead her out to the dance floor.

His hands rest on her waist like they belong there and she winds her arms around his neck. He stands closer than she expects him to and feels her breath hitch. They still fit together perfectly. She tries to avoid his gaze as they sway to some slow song she wishes would change.

"See, I'm not so bad," Ryan says with a smile.

She looks at him in slight confusion and is both glad and resentful that she's too high for the moment. Her focus keeps going in and out and being in Ryan's arms is too much. It always has been.

"At dancing," he adds and she grins, tightening her hold around his neck. He smells like a cologne she doesn't recognize and feels a warmth being in his embrace. It's familiar and reminds her of cotillion and picking their song.

Just as she gets comfortable, the song ends, and someone is headed to the stage to announce the king and queen. Ryan lets go and Marissa finds Summer and Luke, squeezing between them and grasping Summer's hand.

Summer is a bundle of nerves by the time her name is announced and Marissa has to lightly push her up the stairs, forgetting that Sum is wearing heels and maybe she isn't sober enough to make it on her own.

When Luke's name is called, there is a rush of confusion from the crowd and Marissa finds herself pushing him up to the stage too. Her elbow hits Seth's arm and he feigns pain, making a face.

"Did you do this?" she asks in amusement.

"It's not my fault most of the people here don't know Luke isn't still a student."

She laughs, watching Luke make his speech with red eyes, turning to Seth. "Why not make yourself king?"

"Yeah, like that'd be believable."

Marissa shakes her head and chuckles, her shoulder colliding with Seth's as their dates receive crowns and applause.

Luke and Summer dance once more, lopsided crowns atop their heads, and Marissa can see the love in Seth's eyes when they dance. It makes her smile, and she later pushes Seth toward the stage to get Summer and grabs Luke by the hand so they can dance too.

Her arms settle around him and it's so familiar, the feel of his arms and the look in his eyes.

"What?" he asks, a smirk tugging at his lips, his crown askew on his head.

Marissa smiles. "Remember when it was us?"

He nods, and somehow she knows that Ryan is staring at them. It makes her feel uneasy, but there's also something else there, something satisfying. Hidden beneath the mess of memories left in the wake of Johnny, there was once a conversation about prom. It was short and succinct but she couldn't help but look forward to Ryan in a tux, his hand on her hip, dancing under the twinkle lights.

She shakes her head and looks at Luke. "It was supposed to be us, right? At least in the beginning?"

"You deserved better," he mutters, and she purses her lips. It had almost been easy forgetting their tumultuous relationship considering what he had done before he left town.

She thinks about that time, and despite all his apologies, she hadn't actually been that angry about Holly. She had loved him, but she hadn't _loved_ him. Not like she loved Ryan.

"I'm sorry," she says, adjusting her arms around his neck. The song has changed to a ballad and they sway even more slowly. He looks at her in confusion, so she continues, "I spent all that time with Ryan." Luke nods. "And you were so right about me."

He shakes his head, "You were into him. I knew that."

He doesn't say it with pity, he just says it with a shrug. Marissa nods and eventually pulls him closer so that her head is on his shoulder. She lets out a smile, loving that he's back and that they can talk about this.

Luke says something in her ear and she lifts her head up because she can't hear him. "Huh?"

"I said that Chino's been staring at you all night."

Marissa rolls her eyes, thinking that he's joking. But Luke's face is serious other than the genuine smile on his face, and she blames the blush that floods her cheeks on the heat of the ballroom.

The tone of the music changes to something more upbeat, and he spins her around. She wills herself to not think about the blue of Ryan's eyes and the way his gaze never leaves her.

.. .. ..

Taylor passes out their yearbooks at lunch one day and Summer tears through it to make sure the pictures from prom turned out alright.

"Ha, Cohen's bird arms," she points out, elbowing her boyfriend in the ribs.

He leans over her shoulder. "Funny, I don't seem to see you in this picture."

Summer grimaces. "It's because Luke just _had_ to step in front of me. You know," she turns to Marissa who's picking at her burger. "I'm not actually that short. It's Luke who-"

"What'd Luke do?" says a voice headed their way.

Marissa closes her eyes for a second and subconsciously hopes that Ryan isn't carrying a lunch tray. When he comes into sight, she can see that of course he is. Seth motions for him to sit down at their table and she tries to not to look uncomfortable as Ryan takes the available seat next to her.

"He cut me out of one of the prom photos," Summer says and Seth argues that her height isn't Luke's problem but eventually Marissa ignores them and turns her attention to her own yearbook. She's turning the pages mindlessly when she happens upon the ones that were taken on her first day back at Harbor. In every picture, Ryan's arm is around her. Either around her shoulders or her waist. They look happy, the kind of happy that's locked in a box in the trunk of her car.

It isn't until Summer says "Aww" about the same pictures that Marissa realizes she was staring at them for a while. Her eyes meet Ryan's and he smiles sheepishly. She doesn't know what to say so she turns the page and makes a comment about Seth's comic book club photo coming out grainy.

When she glances over at Ryan looking at his own yearbook, he's looking at the same photos from before. Her heart skips a beat.

.. .. ..

Marissa gets another text from Kevin and she finally looks at it. Apparently he has her sweater from the party and needs to return it to her. _Fine, I'll come by tomorrow_ , she replies.

She's closing the door of her locker when he texts her back, _meet me outside_.

With a roll of her eyes and a look to the clock in the hallway, she sighs and makes her way to the parking lot, unaware of passing Ryan and Seth in the hallway.

Volchok is sitting on the bed of his truck, a cigarette dangling from his mouth, when she steps up next to him.

"Where is it?" she asks, adjusting the bag on her shoulder.

"Ignoring me, are we?" Volchok replies with a smirk and a long drag.

"No."

"Hey, you okay?" Ryan asks as he walks up to them, eyeing Volchok up and down and getting an eyeroll in return.

"Yeah," she says, willing him to leave. She doesn't need them to be in close quarters ever again. "You should get to class, we've got that workshop."

He ignores it, turning to Volchok. "Leave her alone."

Internally, Marissa feels grateful for him trying to protect her yet again but it's misguided and, quite frankly, embarrassing. She doesn't need saving.

"What makes you think I'm bothering her? Does it look like I am?" Volchok asks, and Marissa ignores both of their stares.

Ryan walks up closer to Volchok and she just knows what will follow if they keep this up.

"Come on Ryan, this is- this is ridiculous."

"Yeah, Ryan," Volchok imitates her, and she rolls her eyes at him, trying to lightly pull Ryan away but his stance is firm.

"Stop bothering her," Ryan says, and this earns him a punch in the gut.

"I'm not," Volchok says with spite, looking to Marissa for clarification. She averts her eyes again. In the time it takes for Volchok to be distracted, Ryan punches him right back, this time in the jaw.

Marissa doesn't know how it happens. In a minute's time, both Ryan and Volchok are throwing punches and cutting words and no matter what she says, they won't stop. It takes Volchok a second to recover from the punches he received before he spits out, "Tell your girl she left her sweater at my place. Oh, and to drink some cranberry juice."

This gets Ryan's attention. "What?"

She freezes on the spot, her mouth agape. Ryan looks at her to have her deny it but her lips remain pressed together as she turns to glare at Volchok, who's smirking and lighting a new cigarette. She thinks he must be lying about the last part, based on his behavior.

There's a moment of silence in which she feels like she should say something, but can't bring herself to. Ryan moved on before she did and it would be unfair for him to expect her not to as well. He walks away with one last look to Volchok, and Marissa thinks there's more to it when he won't even glance her way when he walks back inside.

"Fuck you, Kevin," she says with distaste, grabbing her sweater from the passenger seat of his truck after she spots it.

He blows a cloud of smoke in her face when he replies, "Anytime, princess."

.

She finds Ryan in the hallway rifling through his locker; his hand is bloody and some blood even begins to drip to the floor. It's unsightly and she makes sure to flag Taylor down for a moment before deciding to help him clean his hands and face.

Walking up to him, Marissa grabs Ryan's arm and pulls him gently to the girl's bathroom. He lets out a few words of protest but eventually gives in and settles into a chair by the sinks.

"Taylor's getting us out of class," she comments as she dispenses a few paper towels and dampens them.

Ryan flinches when the wet paper towel hits his jaw but eventually gets used to the feeling. There's a spot of dried blood beneath his eye that is hard to get to at the angle she's standing at, so she gives him a look to make sure it's okay before tentatively going to stand between his legs.

The blood goes away with a few more touches and she eventually sits down on his lap to alleviate the pain in her back due to bending over the sink. He looks up at her questioningly and she shrugs, willing herself to not think about what she's doing and how close they are. It takes another damp paper towel to make his face look almost normal. His face is slightly pink and she runs a hand over his cheekbone again to make sure she got all the blood.

They've been in silence the whole time she's been cleaning his wounds, so she goes for levity. "I think you'll live."

He attempts a smile, and their eyes finally meet.

"Sorry," Marissa says small. She's not quite sure what for.

He looks her in the eye and there's something in his eyes that she can't read. "For this?" He points to his face and she shrugs airily.

She doesn't expect him to say anything else so she readies herself to get off his lap, but then he asks, "So, what are you, a thing now?"

Marissa shakes her head and she'd laugh if the moment were appropriate. "No." She looks at him again and feels how close they are. "It just happened once," she mumbles, as if it makes a difference.

Ryan nods and she's surprised at the vacant expression on his face. They sit there in silence until he clears his throat. "I guess I need to get used to it."

She doesn't understand, and part of her is slightly confused and upset that he doesn't seem to care much. He walked away without a word, kept quiet while she helped with his wounds. She thought he'd yell, that maybe he'd tell her things he'd been holding inside the past year. Maybe it would be the catalyst for an actual conversation. "What?"

"Being with other people."

"Right," Marissa says reluctantly. She had to face the idea of him with Sadie for weeks and it tore her apart. He's got a vague look on his face that she can't decipher and decides that it's best not to try anymore.

She tries not to stare at him, his broad shoulders, his chest inches from hers. She tries not to think that she's sitting in his lap, and that their lips are as close as they have been in weeks. His eyes move to a necklace hanging around her neck, the shiny gold chain protruding from under her shirt. She looks down and sees it too. It's the necklace he gave her for Valentine's Day.

Her eyes meet his and she swears his head leans closer to hers, as close as they can be without touching, but then the bell rings outside in the hallway, signifying the end of fifth period. It jolts Marissa to the present. She gets off of his lap and straightens her top, moving her necklace absentmindedly in her fingers.

They leave the bathroom without another word.

.. .. ..

She's not sure when she started wearing the necklace since it was supposed to be in a box in her car.

She tries to convince herself it was coincidental but chuckles at the thought.

(It was Berkeley.)

.. .. ..

Days later, he finds her at the lifeguard stand and when she looks up, he manages to spot a small smile on her face before it disappears.

"Hey," he says, walking up the ramp.

Marissa crosses her legs and holds them to her chest. "What're you doing here?" She doesn't mean to sound angry or annoyed but it comes off that way. Her face softens in order to convey it.

Ryan bites his lip. "Not sure, really."

She looks at him tentatively and decides not to push it, as if he didn't know she spent most of her time here when she wasn't with Summer, Seth, or Luke. He cautiously sits next to her and he can feel her shiver when a gust of wind blows their way. He can hear her shaky breaths and the beating of his own heart.

"So-"

"Why are you-"

They speak at the same time and smile nervously.

Marissa nods at him to continue, and out of the corner of his eye he can see her move the slightest bit away from his side, putting more distance between them.

"I wanted to say sorry."

She looks at him in confusion, her eyebrows scrunched. If he weren't so preoccupied on the speech he'd planned, the one threatening to leave his mind thanks to her eyes trying to read his, he'd think it was cute. He still does.

"For?" She asks it slowly.

He takes a breath and finds that it's easier to talk to her when there are endless waves to look at and the sky is turning pink from the looming sunset. "You saved my life, and I never really thanked you."

She turns toward him, arms still hugging her legs, and searches his eyes. He's never really been able to hide much from her, despite his subconscious trying to. That's them, they get each other so well but can never communicate it effectively.

The shooting was almost a year ago but they still haven't gotten past it. Marissa holds her breath, almost afraid of making the moment disappear.

"I, um, well I never wanted to talk," he continues, "about it, and I know you needed that, but I just, well, couldn't. And then you had someone who would listen and I just- yeah. So… I'm sorry." Ryan's staring at his shoes, the black boots he wears during all seasons despite living in southern California.

The apology reminds her of his words on the plane from Berkeley, but she can't think of anything to say in return. Her mouth goes dry and she licks her lips, wanting to dig into her pocket for a cigarette or two but cursing herself for not bringing any.

She looks over at him and finds his eyes searching her. The intensity of his stare makes her look away.

"Why now?" _Why at all?_

He shrugs in her peripheral vision and she looks to him again, hoping he's not staring like before.

When Marissa looks, he's glancing at the ocean and running a hand through his sandy blonde hair. She studies his profile and allows herself to really look at him for the first time in weeks. There's a relaxed quality to him she used to notice on certain occasions and his eyes seem bluer than the ocean.

"Missed you is all," he says plainly, and she can't tell if he means that in the present, in the past, or both. She can feel her eyes start to prickle. She knows her breathing slows and that she's tugging at the end of her sleeves just for something to do. She doesn't say anything, doesn't know how to respond to that, so she lets his words wash over her some more.

Ryan looks over at her and returns the smile she gives him. It's soft, and it's intimate, and he feels closer to her than he has in months.

She moves toward him a little as they watch the sun set over the horizon, and he figures it's a start.

.

Ryan almost kisses her, and it almost ruins everything.

She leaves after a few minutes of silence with a goodbye and a _see you at school_ , her mind running a mile a minute at his words.

It's what she wanted, what she'd hoped he would say if he ever was able to realize it. It doesn't make the knot in her stomach uncurl or dissipate.

.. .. ..

Luke leaves with his family for a holiday in Tuscany after he finishes his homeschooling and Neil and Julie go on an Icelandic cruise, so Marissa and Summer spend more time at the Cohens'.

It's a Saturday and they're in the pool with Seth and Ryan playing chicken and it feels right. Odd and nervous, but right. Marissa tentatively agreed to be Ryan's partner due to Seth's insistence and it shouldn't feel odd, moving to sit on Ryan's shoulders, but it does. His hands are holding her thighs in place and her skin is on his. It's like her skin is on fire and her senses on overdrive.

She lets Summer win just so she can get off of Ryan's shoulders, but then he grabs her ankle lightly and pushes her off, making sure she falls not-so-gracefully backwards. When Marissa comes up for air, she laughs and curses at him, pushing at his shoulders until he's the one under water. He splashes her and she giggles, a full-on schoolgirl giggle, and he gives her a grin so wide that she feels like kissing him.

Her eyes widen at the thought and she remembers Seth and Summer are mere feet from them, watching the scene unfold. Marissa excuses herself from the pool with a lie about being thirsty and getting a drink from inside.

She's standing by the island in the kitchen when Summer walks in. "I thought you guys were over."

Marissa nearly gulps. "We are," she says defensively.

"It didn't look like it."

"We're trying to figure out what we are, Sum. It's weird, I can't describe it-"

The brunette puts a hand on her hip. "Please, you and Chino- it's inevitable."

"What is?"

Summer stares at her and an easy, knowing smile forms on her glossy lips. "Coop."

Marissa lets out a sigh and tears her eyes away from her best friend's. Even if she gets a fluttering in her stomach whenever Ryan looks at her, it doesn't mean that they're going to go through everything again. There's a reason it never works out with them, and she hopes that the part of her that misses him will lessen as the days go by. She's read the books, annotated the poems. But he's the one she can't get over, the one she always comes back to.

"Coop," Summer says, breaking her out of her reverie. She walks over to the blonde and runs a hand up her arm. "You know, it doesn't have to be like before. It doesn't have to be any more complicated than you guys being who you are. Maybe it'll work out and maybe it won't, but you care about him, right? You do."

Marissa grabs her friend's hand and squeezes it. It's a _thank you_ and an _I love you_ rolled into a small gesture, and Summer's dragging her back outside to the boys.

.. .. ..

Commencement is underwhelming, but sitting between Summer and Ryan makes it worth it. They make jokes, and Summer gets teary. They're graduating together, just like she wanted.

Seth leans over to confirm their dinner plans at the club and smiles pointedly at Marissa sitting next to Ryan. She rolls her eyes in return, ignoring him, turning to listen to the salutatorian.

Marissa receives her diploma, and nearly cries at the pride in her mother's eyes. Julie's standing up, clapping her hands so hard they might be red later on, and Kaitlin joins in half-heartedly; Marissa smiles sardonically at the sight but she'll take what she can get.

Dawn gives Ryan a car for graduation in the parking lot and he hugs his mother tightly, whispering _thank you_ into her ear. Her mascara runs down her cheeks once more, having been a wreck during the ceremony, and she leaves to talk to Sandy and Kirsten before she cries about Frank and her many mistakes. That's when Marissa walks up.

"Hey," she greets, graduation cap hung loosely from her fingertips.

He smiles. "Hey."

"So-" she starts, gesturing to the car. "This is yours?"

"Yeah," he says proudly. "My mom gave it to me."

Marissa gives him a smile, and he knows she can tell how he feels about the gift. He's glad she doesn't say more than, "Ryan, that's amazing."

He grins, running a hand over the hood of it. He leans against the side of the car, and gets a good look at her. Her gown is unzipped and she's wearing a white dress underneath. She's gorgeous. Always has been, but right now she's glowing. So much so he almost loses his track of thought.

She gives him a look and he thinks she may have noticed and pretended she didn't. He thinks that sums up the state of their relationship pretty well.

"So," he begins, staring at the neckline of her dress. There's that necklace again. "I just wanted to say thank you."

"Me? For what?"

Ryan smiles at her confusion as she steps closer to him. "I just, I don't know, part of me feels like I wouldn't be here today without you."

Marissa bites her lip, and fuck if that isn't the sexiest thing she could possibly do in that moment. She looks at him with wide, wondering eyes and there's something so innocent about the way she's looking at him, acting around him. She can't help but see the boy who gave her a tiki hut on the beach and has pretty much admitted to missing her for weeks.

It makes her want to kiss him, so she does.

She takes a step toward him and softly takes the lapel of his shirt in her hands, taking a breath as he looks at her in bewilderment. Then her lips are on his and his are on hers and they're colliding in a kiss that's been haunting them for months. He kisses her back with fervor, his hands coming to rest on her waist. It feels familiar in a way that only belongs to them, like they've held in so much that they're finally allowing themselves to breathe. Her arms wrap around his neck and it feels like release.

"Hey, family pho- oh," they hear in the distance.

It's Seth and they back away from each other slightly, still dazed. Ryan leans against his car again, and she hears him intake a breath.

Marissa smacks her lips together, hands retreating to her sides, picking up her cap that had apparently fallen to the ground. "Photos? Okay."

She walks away after giving Ryan a glance.

She cuts through a few trees so that Seth won't catch up to her but, with her luck, he does.

Before any words leave his mouth, she quips, "Shut up."

"I didn't say anything," he protests, trying to keep up with her as she tries to walk faster. "But I was so right."

"About what?"

"You two."

"It was nothing," she says with a wave of her hand, avoiding his gaze.

Seth chuckles. "That was _not_ nothing. It's never nothing with you guys."

They stop beside a tree trunk and she leans against it, staring at Seth, temporarily forgetting about the pictures to be taken with their families. He seems to understand her thought process, and she's glad he's not making another comment.

"I don't know," she says with a long, drawn out sigh, crossing her arms and licking her lips. She can taste cherry chapstick and black coffee, and it's as exhilarating as it was on a ferris wheel when she was sixteen.

"Yeah," Seth replies, and he kicks at the dirt beneath his loafers.

"Yeah?"

He nods, and Marissa closes her eyes. "He loves you."

"He does not," she argues plainly without volition, running a hand through her hair.

Seth purses his lips. "I know it's complicated but isn't that the kind of story everyone roots for?"

"Isn't that the story that repeats itself into oblivion and the people involved never learn their lesson?" she counters.

He sighs, and looks up to see Marissa frowning, eyes dark and clouded. "Look, there's always something there. You know that. You've spent three months pretending it's not true."

"We've tried before," she says weakly. "So many times."

Seth nudges her shoulder with his own, going to stand by her against the tree she's leaning on. "I know."

"I'm not gonna wait for this to blow up in my face again."

"What if it doesn't? I feel like that's life, and what's life without risk?"

"Okay, Shakespeare."

"I prefer to think of myself as Kerouac."

She shrugs, and ignores Seth's gaze. Marissa sighs. "Why did I ever become friends with you?"

He chuckles, and his smile echoes hers.

.. .. ..

Getting in his new car after dinner with their families, she directs Ryan to the lifeguard stand, bringing the box from her own car with her.

"What's this for?" he asks, but she's silent until they're walking up the ramp.

Marissa clears her throat and hands the box to him gently. "I've been keeping this."

He opens it up and they sit across from each other on the sandy tower, their legs brushing.

"So," she begins, her gaze unable to leave his face as he peruses the contents of her box. "It's just dumb stuff from the movies and the diner and other things but they meant a lot to me."

"My Journey cd," he says with a grin, looking up at her.

She brings her legs to her chest, something she realizes she does often around him. "You gave it to me for-"

"Christmas, I remember."

"Chrismukkah," she corrects him with a soft smile.

Ryan unearths one of his leather jackets and another one of his sweatshirts. He gently touches the picture frames and mementos, looking up at her anxious and expectant face. "Why are you showing me these?"

Marissa shrugs. "Not too sure, actually. Um, it just felt wrong. It sitting there."

He looks at her quizzically and her gaze returns to the box.

"There's a cd in there that I made for you a while back. For your birthday, actually."

Ryan moves a few things before he finds it, piled with a few other cds. Some he's never seen before. She glances at them before he finds the model home mix, and she won't tell him about the dozen or so times she played that mix after they broke up in February.

"Wow," he says, holding the mix in his hand and turning it over to look at the tracks. "I always wanted another one."

She smiles, "I know."

He stares at the cd and she stares at his reaction. His lips form a smile and she can tell he's remembering the model home. Remembering their past. He looks up at her and she lets out a breath.

"Today-"

"When you kissed me," Ryan says.

She glares at him in amusement. "You kissed me back."

He nods and his gaze reaches her eyes. She's got these big, expressive eyes that he's spent years trying to read.

"I just feel like this time," Marissa continues, "We're older, and we can't just, I don't know, do that."

He gives her a questionable look so she breaks their gaze.

"So…"

She crosses her arms and tries to put her feelings into words. "We- I just never know how it'll ever work, you know?"

His eyes meet hers again and instead of uncertainty and fogginess, there's understanding and she doesn't even think of looking away. Ryan stretches his leg so that his ankle touches her hip. She won't mention or question it, but she knows he's trying to touch her in some way. Any way.

"I can't hurt you again," she tells him, eyes radiating sadness. "Johnny-"

"Marissa, it's fine," he interrupts.

"No, it's not." She says it with a slight edge in her voice, and there's months of thoughts running through her head. He's apologized, now it's her turn. "It wasn't right. Me and him."

"Marissa-"

" _Ryan_ ," she nearly hisses. "Just let me get this out, okay?"

He nods.

"I stopped trying to talk to you and I'm sorry. You- well, we, deserved better. I said some stuff that I didn't mean and I got confused because Johnny was there and you weren't."

"I was always there."

She shakes her head, and they've entered dangerous territory. "I know, but not really. At least not how I needed you."

Ryan breaks their gaze and she bites her lip. It's something she's held inside for months and it feels good to say it, even if it's hard and painful. She watches his eyes cloud over and tries to remember how easy they used to be. In the beginning, anything seemed possible.

"I think," Ryan starts, and Marissa snaps back to attention. "-that he was a good guy. I wanted another reason than just him listening and being there for you when I couldn't be."

Her lips purse, and she rolls the words around on her tongue. It's a perspective she hadn't thought much about and finds that it does make sense. She looks up at him and sees that he's fiddling with the model home mix again.

"I didn't love him, you know. Not like that, anyway," she says, and hopes that it isn't a brand new revelation for him.

Ryan gives her a look and it almost makes her blush. "Okay."

They watch the waves for a few minutes, their breaths falling in sync. She misses this, being near him. Before the mess with Johnny, this was a typical Saturday night. Except his arm would be around her and she would kiss him as he held her tighter when the breeze picked up.

It's so easy to break down her walls when it's him she's doing it for. She licks her lips and aches to know what the future holds. The aftermath of their relationship has always been awful, and she can't help but want to protect herself from that again.

Ryan moves next to her as the palm trees in the distance show signs of wind. It's close to midnight and she's glad it's him next to her. Marissa turns to him and is pleasantly surprised to discover how close he is. His breath washes over her face, and she sighs contentedly.

She murmurs, remembering everything he's said to her over the past few weeks. "Just so you know, I missed you too."

It's said like a confession, one said shyly and softly. He smiles and inches toward her. His hand falls to the back of her neck and pulls her into a kiss. It's small, but it builds, and Marissa smiles against his lips. It feels like a continuation of something, and like something inside her is on fire.

But it isn't a fantasy, and it isn't so picture perfect that it brings her out of reality.

She pulls away reluctantly and Ryan doesn't move, his arm coming to rest around her shoulders.

"We can never be friends, can we?" she asks, biting her lip.

"Guess not," he replies.

Marissa nods and chuckles to herself.

At that, Ryan stands up and she finds herself missing his warmth. She looks up at him and takes the hand he offers her.

"Come on," he says, picking up her box and pulling her with him.

"Where?" Marissa asks, her palm warm against his.

"I have a box of yours too, you know."

She smiles, letting him lead her to his car. She gets in the passenger seat and fiddles with the radio until Ryan inserts the model home mix into the stereo and she gets butterflies in her stomach.

"You really have a box? With diner napkins and concert stubs?"

He shrugs.

She gives him a soft smile. "Really?"

"Seth is my best friend."

She almost laughs; of course Ryan would blame sentimentality on Seth. "Also your brother."

Ryan looks at Marissa and nods, and she gives him a knowing smile before turning the volume up and humming along to Jeff Buckley.

.

She finds her dad's old USC hoodie in his box in the poolhouse, along with a tattered playbill for _The Sound of Music_ and other odds and ends she thought he would've thrown away.

Marissa's silent as she goes through the box, and she loves him. He gives her a shy look as she peruses the items inside, and she can't help but love him. Maybe it's the annotated copy of _On the Road_ she gave him that he's dogeared or the polaroids inside from the Santa Monica pier when they went in October.

She looks up at him and he smiles, leaning against the doorframe.

"I don't know what to say," she mumbles, gently moving her fingers over the polaroids.

"Makes two of us," Ryan comments before making his way over to sit next to her on the bed.

Marissa crosses her legs, facing him. "I wish we weren't so complicated."

He nods silently, dark eyes meeting her gaze.

She breaks their gaze and stares at the hands in her lap. Should she just say _hope for the best_ and see where it goes? She's not that spontaneous, and her relationship with Ryan could probably never be that fluid.

"Let's go there tomorrow," Ryan says, and she looks up. "With Summer and Seth."

"Where?"

He points to the polaroids next to them. "The pier."

Marissa smiles, and it comes as easy as breathing. "Can we go on the ferris wheel?"

They exchange smiles and he nods, feeling the released tension in the room. Seth walks in with a small, barely audible knock on the door and Summer follows.

"We missed you guys after dinner," Seth says pointedly, and Summer smirks at her boyfriend.

"Yeah, um, we were just planning a trip to Santa Monica tomorrow. The four of us," Marissa declares after clearing her throat.

Summer nearly coos, saying, "Just like old times."

Marissa nods and Ryan does too, and when their eyes meet they share a smile. It's palpable and so, so real. It no longer feels like they're worlds apart.

The four of them gather in the center of the bed to watch a movie of Seth's choosing, and the girls are in the middle. They moan to Seth about choosing a more suitable option but Ryan is silent. His arm drapes around Marissa's shoulders when they're squished together on the bed, and he feels her settle further into him, their legs tangling together.

She looks up and gives him a look, and he grins in return. The line separating the beginning and the end is so grey now, and this feels like something familiar. It's scary and tenuous, but it also feels right.

Seth gives them a look when he settles onto the bed and Marissa leans over Summer to kick his shin, eliciting an _ow_. But it's in jest and he smiles at her, a hint of a smirk on his lips. She rolls her eyes and adjusts her head in the crook of Ryan's shoulder. They'll deal with the logistics of whatever they are some other day.

For now, she's with people she loves and that's enough.

.fin.


End file.
